Nostalgia and reminiscence abounded in my brain this afternoon. I have about a million things on my to do list for this week (including a 12 page paper that I haven't started), and I got distracted. Not that that's anything new.
It began yesterday afternoon. I saw a friend from high school whom I love dearly, and still try to talk to on occasion, but our lives and schedules often get in the way. Then, this afternoon, I found myself scrolling through some of my old pictures on Facebook. I was quickly reminded of why I drop my head in shame whenever I think of fashion choices I made in my high school days (the day I decided to give up on eye shadow altogether was one of great rejoicing), and of how absurdly awkward I am. I was also reminded of how thankful I am to NOT be in High School anymore. Whoever said those were the best four years of your life must have been a very sad individual indeed.
Of course, not all memories are as uncomfortable as those. I found some pictures from a beach trip a group of my friends (including the aforementioned) and I took right after we graduated. There were only a handful of us, and the pictures opened the floodgates of good times. I was saddened, suddenly wishing for those friendships again--none of them are the same now as they were that day. I miss the easy fluidity with which we conversed, talking about nothing and having it mean something. Now, it's all about the simple "how are you"s with no real answer because you just don't know them anymore. You can't delve into what happened last week because the context is all wrong, and there are too many gaping holes in the fabric that once kept you together.
I get sad when I think of these friends that have moved away and moved on, because I so often feel as though I've been left at the starting point, abandoned. I didn't get to move away to experience adventures. Not yet, anyway. I still live with my parents, in the house in the town I grew up in. Nothing has changed.
Except that it has.
Everything is different, even though it looks exactly the same. I wasn't abandoned by these people. I didn't stagnate here in our memories. I too have moved on, albeit differently. My priorities are different. My friends are different. Everything important, really. Time can be cruel, severing those connections you treasure or altering them ever so slightly--so it seems the same, but there is a subtle vibe that pulses it's mantra of different. different. different. But it also brings good change. New faces, new friends.
So yeah. I miss parts of my past, and I don't like that those relationships aren't as easy and familiar as they were. But I love the parts of my present that have appeared.
Psalm 59: 17 NIV
You are my strength, I sing praise to you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.